sick as fuck

Well I am sick, been so for a week.
It ´s like every thought feeling I have gets suffocated by all the nasty things in my nose and head.
I am NEVER sick so when I get sick it´s bad, and I feel like I am going to die from a cold...
Silly.

The only thing to do is to lie still and not do anything, but that is so hard and boring...

inside outside same same but diffrent

I sit and drink my mid day cappucino.
I look out at people walking by and children laughing in the snow....
while on the other side of the world people/ children are fighting for their lives and feeling their loss.
This is all happening at the same time. Even though it´s hard to get it you kind of expect it to be that way, it´s always been parallel worlds with simultaneous things going on.

But I play with the thought and bring it inside me, my mind and body.
As I feel great after morning yoga, my body also aches of sweet pain, as I enjoy this quite moment, somewhere inside me I am processing sorrow and great anxiety. Not dominant at the moment but still very much there.

So as I think and look at the world around me I become very aware of the one inside.
It´s not that diffrent and somehow it becomes easier to grasp one when intuned with the other.

timeless is the only trend

krafs och mjau

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCmq1Bfu5j4

I had the best things to say,
nicest things.
Softest touch for you...
I could lick your body make you feel like a king.
Not always what came out not always what I did.
I am not proud of it all, but neither should you be.

I lost my mind, my heart with no sleep over you.
Maybe it will come back, yes it will.
But now I am not there....
I am nowhere.

Still in the end of it all it´s because Ifeel for you.
So fuck me in the right way if you want to fuck at all....

We hurt each other till one feels no more than hollowness.
Well at least that how it is for me.
Noone is better noone is worse, I have my truth and you should have yours.

There are so many thing you don´t know about me.
A fraction is what you see.

I am confusing, so many persons in one.
The whore, the virgin, the man worse than most men, the young girl who breaks with just one hard look.
I am the pure and the dirtiest shit. I can say no to everything but also take it all.
It´s not easy for you and it´s is not easy for me.

You see this picture I post with this text, that´s me as clear as I can be.
Unfocused but still you see, a flash to blind, sharp little face, nipples always hard.
Because life isn´t clear it takes you places you didn´t expect.
It´s hard to live and it´s hard to love.
But we have one life that we know of lets make it the best..

last days of christmas

ideas for jewlery

mmmm

It would be impossible to hate you,
no matter how hard I'd try
your touch is like a drug that gets me high
Your love clouds my head and intoxicates me
You're helping me become the person I always wanted to be
Everything about you drives me crazy
You make my thoughts confusing and hazy
The littlest thing you do can bring a smile to my face,
Just one kiss from you, and my pain is erased
I wish I didn't love you as much as I do,
Why can't I just not have any feelings for you?
These emotions are way too intense,
and none of this makes that much sense...
Because I always tried not to let myself get attached to anyone at all,
you messed up my plans and made me fall.

Sheding light on things.

When you write it´s easy to only focus on the negative parts of oneself and the life you lead.
As I read thru some of these scribbels it looks like the person I care most about only hurts me,
that is not true!

I am extremly difficult to be with, broken and sad.
So it ain´t easy for him.

I want to say that as dark as it might look to people on the outside.
He brings me more truth, patience than anyone I ever meet.

I miss him alot when he isn´t with me and it scares me to care for someone like that, and that makes me even more shifty in moods and thoughts.

I will try to be more positve this new year, to shed some good light on someone who actully
cares for me.

visa ord

:-) Awwwwwww...
Fan också, fina du.
Hajjar och hör dig.
Andas.
Önskar jag kunde säga dig att det inte var nåt fel på dig (oss),
och att vi inte var skadade av det som hänt.
Men risken är att vi faktiskt är kantstötta av det förflutna.
Hur som helst: FUCK IT.
Ena dan är man omöjlig, skitsvår att leva med, bortom frälsning och en fara för alla andra. Men nästa dag lyckas man ÅTSIDOSÄTTA EGOT
och äntligen få lite frid från sin självupptagenhet genom att BRY SIG OM DEN ANDRA.

I mitt fall är det oftast såhär:
- Allt jag gör i min relation verkar mer eller mindre såra den andre.
Jag är superegoist, surpuppa och enstöring.
Men så fort jag inser hur jävla fuckad jag är och vilket jävla mirakel det e att nån överhuvudtaget skulle vilja FÖRSÖKA vara hos mig, blir jag livrädd och ödmjukad.

Då lyckas jag (till och från) åtsidosätta min ständiga självupptagenhet och fokus på mina behov, min ensamhet, min uppfuckad-het osv.
och istället BRY MIG OM DEN JAG HAR I MIN NÄRHET.

Det är för fan en gåva att nån ens orkar med en...

Låt oss klappa lite på våra partners istället för att var så himla upptagna med våra egna inre processer.

När jag sedan åtsidosätter mig själv och bestämmer mig för att bry mig om den andra lite, då lossnar det.
Det KAN vara så enkelt. Klappa lite på den andre. Lägga en filt om den andre. Koka thé åt den andre... You know...

Även Buddhisterna säger att det är bättre att bry sig om nån annan än sig själv. You know it. You do it with Vera all the time.

Och det är en SÅÅÅÅÅN RELIEF FROM THE FUCKED UP SELF.

My gatekeeper

I knocked on heavens door and the gatekeeper let me in.
Surprised he said, yes I was.

He put his hand in mine and led me to a meadow.
Warm breeze in my hair, cool wind in my face.
Soft grass under my feet, smiling flowers curiously smelling me.

He sat me down whisperd in my ear me curving my neck to hear.
That is what heaven is about my girl.
He stod up walked away, I laid down and sleept with my eyes open and lips smiling.

when you go to that special place

dreaming when awake

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(d)erection

I intend to take it in my hands...
I intend to feel it´s shape...
I intend to take it to my mouth...
I intend to make it hard...
I intend to squeez my lips...
I intend to let it go...
I intend make it fire of...
I intend to let it come...
Make it come...

Pull the triger...
Feel the pain...
Then no more forever intending...
Thereforeneverending!

winter madness

Fields folding, closeing and opening row after row.
Plowed dark soil turned inside out.

Trees naked, yes you see beyond.
Branches stretching like arms into the sky, praying to the gods above.
Roots unseen reaching for the devils dwelling spots.... Where the heat is lifeless.

A cold mist shelding everything alive like a breath from morning elfs.

No human to be seen, just vast landscapes and chilling silencess.

gladriel

Culture: elf Oldest of all the Elves that remain in Middle-earth, the Lady Galadriel dwells in the forest haven of Lothlórien, surrounded by her Elven followers, and husband Celeborn. Of all the wise, Galadriel is possessed of the greatest foresight and bestowed upon Frodo several gifts to help him in his quest, including the Phial of Light. She knows that the time of Elves is coming to an end, and soon she must join her kind leaving the shores of Middle-earth for the Immortal Lands to the west.