I hate you som much right now he said with eyes of disgust.

I hate you so much right now, that´s what you said. I tried to tell you more and more and show how I am slowly breaking apart. Not as you wanted but still bit by bit I am cracking open not only my sensetive side but the hard cracked truth. I am so tierd of beeing sad of crying of begging for one single touch. I feel uglier uglier uglier and nonworthynonworthynonworthy of anything. If I faulter one bit you hit and hit and hit not with a fist never with a fist but you know how to kill me slowly. I think I hate my cries more than you I hate me so much and even more than that. If you where to face trial would I turn my back on you, did I? I don´t know anymore I just don´t know anything any more. My trial is not like the one with a judge or jury it´s much more complex and I would rather be sentenced to many years locked away than a life with out one and with out the other. But I guess when you´re really weak in every aspect of your life then you are really worth nothing. For lonley is not strong and weak noone wants. I used to say to my best friend, it will get better. He always said it won´t and now he´s dead. He left me in this fucking shit hole of a world even though he said he wouldn´t. Because you know what, it will not get better no it won´t. I am one step away of letting go of giving up beacause this world holds no love for me anymore. If you could die of a broken heart I would be dead before I was born, so no again it won´t get better for some one as unworthy as me, my life should never have happened. You must have known that so you said: I hate you so much right now and you looked at me with those eyes of disgust. And I fell one half step closer.

Into the dust
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiO_7LhPZFM

reruns

mmmm

It would be impossible to hate you,
no matter how hard I'd try
your touch is like a drug that gets me high
Your love clouds my head and intoxicates me
You're helping me become the person I always wanted to be
Everything about you drives me crazy
You make my thoughts confusing and hazy
The littlest thing you do can bring a smile to my face,
Just one kiss from you, and my pain is erased
I wish I didn't love you as much as I do,
Why can't I just not have any feelings for you?
These emotions are way too intense,
and none of this makes that much sense...
Because I always tried not to let myself get attached to anyone at all,
you messed up my plans and made me fall.

Finding calmness within......

I stare into the wall, trying to forget it all.
Look at the floor, please no more.
A dot in the sky, oh just let me fly.
I squeeze my thumbs, nail my arms.
Jaws shut thight, yes again one more night.
Eyes all red I wish I was dead.


The lonely twosome.

I speak the language of cirkels.
My lips form an O.
My mind shift in forms like clouds move in the sky.
Emotions dived themselfs, like small waves on the ocean.
Barely visual for the untrained eye, subtle but strong beyond belief.
I remember things but forget so easy.
What is one moment is not the next.
I live but with no real respect for life.
Death allures me more, for peace of mind is the song of my heart.

You speak the language of the squares.
Mouth move in a stream of words.
Your mind is clear like ice and sometimes just as hard.
Your emotions are all the same, rested on firm belife.
One truth you have and you never forget.
Shift you do but never for me.
Life is your all because when you die your dead with no more to come.

Togehter we´re lonesome.
Apart it´s all the same.
It could be perfect but also a game.
We choose...

Today is one less day of my life

To make love is easy haha and to have sex is
fucking! hard lalala.......
So hard I feel nothing, hard so I feel unhuman. Hard so I hate myself with every come.
Feelings should not be spoken in words today. So fuck me hard and then leave me to die. Then I can love love love forever high. Today is one less day of my life.
http://open.spotify.com/track/2kZVhrdxG7BEIsyrTJYdq9

Choices you make.

When you choose me for me. Because that´s all you can see. I am all you would feel, I am all you would need. Then it´s ok. Trust all the way. Like a piano playing perfect tunes, like a harp just so in tuned. But once you let the poison into your life, breathe, joke, poke more, more and more just so you somehow can score....
Even if just to make you feel, a little bit more real. Itch, bitch, squirm, turn make yourself urn. Don´t use me as something sound, protective and safe from harm. Cause charm you I will, but not one moment....more.
Feel you want and you me haunt. But unless you try on your own to break free from your chains, pains and with no heart gains! Surrender you must and then you have to learn to trust!!!! and to move on, to the unknown.

Lies

Sometimes you see, no I see something so fast, just a movement, a flicker in the eye, a sigh, a half breath something that happens but somehow will never last. When I see it I know a lie is not far away. But like someone with no proff. I will turn around sigh and say lie lie lie.

Trött trasgi och almänt ledsen.

Det finns så mycket i huvudet. Det finns så mycket smärta. Och i tankarna bor genomtänkta saker. Där inne i huvudet. Sen pumpa hjärtat på dörren. Sen klev han in och slog två slag.
Inte en grej inte ett ord kommer ut rätt, efter det.

Efter det! Att visa saknad, att visa sorg blir bara kaos.... Inget bra blir sagt inget bra blir gjort. Det gör ont man skriker, gråter, bönar och ber. Man lyfter ifrån sig själv. Man tittar ner på sin kropp i från ovan, ser något litet, ser sorgen, ser hatet, ser ilskan ser missförstånden man ser det man inte vill se.
Men inget kan man göra, armar och ben blir till gele och sen kan man inte se. Sen kan man inte se....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WcWHZc8s2I

Don`t fuck with me just make love to me.

longing for the one

midsummer sadness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-me-Ts7p9k

back up I am back up

An old post for Mcqueen, may he rest in peace.

Don`t underestimate.

Fragments of heaven is still heaven.
Broken hearts are still beating.
A shattered mind is still thinking.
You take half a breath, your still breathing.
One word said can mean a million.
My life is also your life.
Respect it all.

Big Big Badaboom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fII9hH2UH8o&feature=PlayList&p=E0F924624EE38C00&index=0

the fifth element

wild things in a zoo do what we where ment to do

aren´t humans animals too
wild creatures
why do we lock ourself in our self made zoo

in houses, clothes, thoughts of how we think we should be
no wonder in the end we try to break free
cracy things we do

like running with knifes and fire in our paws
clawing at the laws

maybe we should just except it as a game
scream out naked and raw in to the night

running wild won´t kill the child
it will live for ever
for it is our natural way to move in life

batwing me

massive attack/ paridise circus / heligoland

http://open.spotify.com/track/6rU0dLXyWbXqti69nrQP4H
It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
oh where the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable
oh well the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin my love
For the one that feels it the most
Look at her with a smile like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

open hand, little hand

Yesterday my daguther grew up a little bit more.
No more holding hands in public....

In a way I love the course life takes as you grow up, it´s amazing.
Then there is the side that thinks oh how fast it goes and missing the little girl she was.

My much younger friend and one of those who has grown upp already, ( soon he will be a great known photografer) , said to me, in the years coming she will want to hold your hand again.

Yes he is right and I know I will keep my hand open for her always, it´s like that story...
If you want to keep water in your hand you have to keep it open, if you hold on to it and close the hand it spills out and you loose it..

sick as fuck

Well I am sick, been so for a week.
It ´s like every thought feeling I have gets suffocated by all the nasty things in my nose and head.
I am NEVER sick so when I get sick it´s bad, and I feel like I am going to die from a cold...
Silly.

The only thing to do is to lie still and not do anything, but that is so hard and boring...